November 19, 2010

Gone 1,801 miles and more to come

The first time when Emman and I had to sort of 'separate' was when I went for a 15 days holiday to Germany and Switz with my mum. It was a little bit of separation anxiety on my part (and alot on his part), a little apprehensiveness at the airport (on my part) and then, quite a bit of tears in the first 2 days in Deutschland, trying to figure out the Metro and getting to hotels. I heard, later, that he lived a life of a half zombie in that 15 days and splurged on a semi-SLR camera as a distraction. That trip was what gave myself the last affirmation that it was time to move on to a new, long-term (full-time) relationship. After all, we took exclusive place in each other's mind that 15 days. It was not very tough, but it was enough to tell. That was in November, 2008.


Following that, the times he had to go through the Immigration without me were when he made his annual trips back home (tho he himself is not sure where is 'home' these days) to Jakarta every June or July. It was easier - the packing, trips to the airport, the long-distance calling/smsing and the trips from airport back home (the Sg home).


Those times, I wondered if I'd actually re-live that 15 days in Europe. As a matter of fact, I knew I won't. Simply because it's easier to be the one who stays, then the one who had to leave. In my opinion, at least, there are always plenty of distractions, preoccupations, obligations to keep the mind occupied in the home country. However, things seem about to change, if only just ever so slightly.


This year, when he went back to Jakarta, it was not a case of teary goodbyes too. Pretty much nonchalance, or was it complacence? In any case, we didn't have to break out hearts, miles apart. The change, nevertheless, was in a feeling. A feeling of incompleteness. A feeling of not having someone close-by to call and meet at the end of the day. A feeling of not being able to take for granted that my boyfriend is just a call away, or a MRT station away.

Today is 19 November, 2010. Emman's away in Chennai, living a (work)life 2.5hours behind mine. He will be back home (where I am) next Tuesday. I have the same feeling again. The feeling of incompleteness, and perhaps just a little unease and insecurity. No, I am not missing him very badly, if that's an indicator of any sort. I'm just feeling a little empty, or is it lonely, that he's not around here. Though I know he's still very much contactable and within reach, figuratively.

And it's all good, it's all okay. 'Cos as I said, the one in the home country will always have more than enough distractions. I'm going to watch a movie by myself. A German film. It's been a long time since I last watched a movie alone. I'm looking forward to it, a me-time tonight.

Happy 2-years-old in our journey together, Dardee! Take care, be safe and have an incredibly Indian weekend!

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:54